What it Feels Like to Lose Your Children to an Abuser
The pain that never ends
You hold out your hand to your children but they keep walking away from you into the fog. You feel powerless to do anything for them. You call after them and try to get their attention but they keep moving away from you as if they can’t hear anything you say. You shine a bright light on your home and all you have for them but they continue into the darkness following the promises of wealth and happiness.
They are caught in a web of lies and can’t fight their way out. Their minds have been bent in such a way that they no longer trust you or want to be near you. They scream at you to leave them alone when you follow them in the hopes that you can lead them back into the light. They accuse you of being abusive when you try to get their attention and show them how much you love them. They take the loving things you do and say as insults. You are forced into silence by the fear that you will hurt them by showing them you love them.
Hopeless, you turn away and care for the children who will still let you love them. Your body, heart, and mind begin to forget these children you bore and cared for. It is as if they have disappeared from the earth. You think of them as the children you once had. Now they belong to someone else. You are left with fleeting memories of a baby in your arms, a toddler playing with you at the park, and a little one growing ever taller and smarter.
It is easier to let the memories fly away from your mind than to think of your child. They are no longer yours. You release them and hope that in giving them their freedom maybe someday they will come back to you on their own. They are your lost children.
This is why women walk away from their children. The pain is too great to watch as they are turned away from them without any power to stop it from happening.
I want to begin to accept what has happened instead of grieving my way through it. I cannot change it. Even if my children came back to me I would still have to work through all that we have lost. Our relationship will never be the same.
I feel that I am solidly into my narc abuse recovery and now it is time to move into healing from the loss of my children. My prayer is that as I recover my children will return to me. Even if they don’t I have to do this work for the children who are still a part of my life. And most importantly, I have to do this work to recover myself.
If you have done this work or know of any resources please share in the comments.