Recovering Memories
--
Did you really forget what you now remember?
I was molested as a child but can’t tell you what happened. I remember being in physical pain but not knowing why. I know I was put in an inappropriate situation but don’t know what, if anything, happened. At some point, I realized I could avoid the person and the situation and I think the abuse ended. This person lived with me so if my mind had not hidden what happened I can’t imagine what it would have been like to see him every day and be expected to love and respect him. I do remember always having a fear of him and not wanting to be around him, especially alone.
I remembered or realized as an adult that what happened to me was not ok and was not just the way my family was. When you grow up with a pervert in the family you think the perverse things done against you are just how life is. It takes stepping away from your family, becoming an adult, and having your own children to show you that the way you were raised was wrong. I had to come to a place where my mindset could change before seeing and voicing what happened to me.
Sometimes I wonder if I forgot what happened or if I always knew but didn’t think about it. I can’t tell you for sure which it is. I know it is painful to have to admit and realize what happened to me. I didn’t start to work through it until I said it aloud to others. I am glad I faced it because it enabled me to stand up and say no to my children being exposed to the people who abused me and others in my family.
One of my abusers planted doubts and fears about my younger sisters in my mind as we grew up. They both disappeared from my family when they were in their teens. I was told that they were mentally ill and full of lies when they left. I see now I was told these things and other half-truths so I would not have a relationship with them and if they ever did speak to me about something the abuser did I would not believe it.
My mind has to unweave the web that has been spun to ensnare it. It will be a long slow process because I don’t want to shock myself with things I have forgotten. Honestly, I try not to think about it much at all. I don’t avoid the thoughts but I also don’t go out of my way to find them. I trust my mind to give me little bits of memory as I can handle them.
After speaking to someone who was also abused by my family member I know that what I remember is the truth. Neither of us had shared any part of our stories with each other or mutual friends before we spoke so I know we are both remembering truth. Our stories are eerily similar and it was validating and healing to share with her. That conversation was probably the most helpful part of my healing.
We took our power back by speaking up so others could be protected from the evil that was done to us. When the secrets come to the light they lose the power they had in the darkness.
