Podcast Notes: Make an Abuse List

How to use a simple tool to stay free from an abusive relationship

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Today I am sharing a tool I used to help me stay out of my abusive relationship. It keeps me from being pulled back into a relationship or unnecessary communication with people who have abused me.

How I learned about writing an abuse list as I was coming to terms with my toxic relationship with my mother.

Why you need an abuse list and what to do with it.

The lie you tell yourself about divorce and how it hurts your children more than staying in an abusive relationship.

The abuse list helps you to uncover red flags, excuses for being abusive, and things you need to work on.

Writing an abuse list is therapeutic and can help you move forward from the relationship and into healing.

We need to remember the abuse when we think we should go back or be in contact with the abuser.

About children who have to live part-time with a narcissistic abuser and thoughts on how to help them.

Thoughts on healthy relationships.

The abuse list uncovers ways the abuser breaks you down and pushes your boundaries to gain control over you. This will help you as you begin a new relationship. We need to learn to see unhealthy patterns of behavior in the early stages to protect ourselves.

Sometimes it feels easier to slip back into the abusive relationship instead of doing the difficult work to heal. The abuse list helps you stay strong.

An example of a woman who used the abuse list to help herself stay strong.

I use the abuse list whenever I feel like the abuser is safe enough now to be on friendlier terms. We can’t forget that abusers know us well and how to hurt us in the worst ways. They should not be given trust again.

We don’t need to help the abuser. It is no longer our responsibility when the relationship is over. It is time to focus on ourselves and our own healing. The abuser is responsible for himself.

How to help our children begin to come out of denial and see the truth of who their other parent is.

Narcissists don’t have any standards and will stoop to any level to get what they want from their children. The healthier the child’s environment is the sooner they will see the truth.

We can teach our children what a healthy family and relationship look like by using books, movies, and tv shows as examples.

My children seem to be making their own abuse list about their father to help them navigate difficulties with him.

We can guide our children in how to deal with a narcissistic parent by teaching them boundaries, how to stay safe, and how to speak up for themselves safely.

I meant to say no contact, not the silent treatments as the way I kept myself safe from my mother when I was a child.

Do not sacrifice yourself for an abuser!

Here’s the book I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.

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Julia Freeman, an anonymous survivor

I write from my experience of being raised by a narcissist and being married to an abusive narc for over 20 years. Learningtolivefree.me