Keeping Your Sanity in a Relationship with a Narcissist
parent, partner, child, boss, coworker
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I can’t even imagine trying to be in a relationship with a narcissist again. I have walked away from my mother, my narcissistic ex-husband, and recently resigned from my healthcare position because I had to work with a toxic, narcissistic person. It seems that once you stop putting up with one narc’s bull poop you will stop putting up with any of it from any narc or toxic person.
I will dig deep into my memory and see if I can remember how I kept some of my sanity while being raised by, living with, and working with narcissists or highly narcissistic people. I do have to say I don’t think I was very sane in my former narc-filled life and am now healing slowly but surely into someone who is sane.
Lessons learned from the narcs I have known:
Who they are is their problem. If someone judges you for your family member or acquaintance that is their problem. We are separate from anyone else and responsible for ourselves. Just because we have a toxic mother or partner does not mean we are toxic, mental, or broken. They need to own their behavior just as we have to own ours.
Detach. You have to stay detached from these people or they will destroy your soul. To protect yourself you cannot let them control your emotions. You have to keep your guard up around them and don’t say or do anything that they can use against you. If you do leave yourself open to attack you will have to choose to respond as if it doesn't matter. Any weakness they see in you will be used against you. You cannot be yourself around them. If you can keep them from affecting your emotions you will be able to protect yourself.
When I detached from my abuser I became happier and started to have my own life again. I stopped waiting around for him so I could live life with him and got on with my own life. When I began to value myself and my time he became insecure and tried to kiss up to me to regain control. Once I began to change there was no turning back.
Humor. Come up with a fun term for some of the more annoying things they do. This may help you tolerate their insanity easier. Being able to laugh about some of their stupidity helps you maintain your sense of self. My mom would often randomly say rude things. I began to call it “her Tourettes”. For some reason naming her nastiness kept me from taking it seriously.
Avoid them as much as possible. The less time you spend with them the less of an opportunity they have to hurt you. When I worked with someone toxic I would often step out of the clinic for a moment to regain my composure when she was being especially difficult. The way this person treated others reminded me of being around my mom and I just could not stand watching others be abused.
Don’t let them use you. Don’t get involved with work gossip or allow one narc to pit you against another. They will try to pull you back and forth especially if you are able to stay neutral. It is a war and any person standing nearby will be recruited as a soldier.
Quiet, alone time. When my mother would visit I spent a lot of time alone in my room to regain my peace and sense of self. By the end of a long visit with her, I would be withdrawn from my own children and family. I just couldn’t handle the stress of being around her. I would never stay in her home or allow her to visit mine again. I had nightmares for a couple of months before her visits and three months after. The time I lost to healing from the trauma of being around her as an adult will never be given back to me.
Time Limits. Know what you can tolerate and limit the time you spend with the narc accordingly. If I went back in time I would limit my time with my mom to two hours per day at the most with a max of three days in a row. If I lived nearby I would only see her once a month in a public place and have one phone call a month to check-in. If that felt like too much I would limit it even more until I found the amount of time I could heal from quickly. They suck the life out of you and it takes time to recover from being around them.
Tips for living with a narc partner:
Don’t.
Walk away when they are trying to pick a fight with you. One day he was yelling at me about something and told me to “get the f — k away from me” so I walked away. Then he yelled, “get the f — k back here” so I walked back to face more of his tirade. That day I had to leave my home and take a walk for hours before going back after he was asleep.
Agree with them and they might stop the argument they are trying to have with you. I do believe this is a dangerous thing to do. The few times I was able to do this with the abuser I could see his anger beneath the surface and he tried over and over again to get me to react.
Choose to respond not react. This is the ultimate way to be true to yourself. Once you realize they are pushing you for a specific reaction and you stop allowing it they begin to lose power. They have been treating you as a puppet. Don’t be part of the game.
A huge caution if you try any of the above with your narcissistic partner. Once the narc abuser realizes you are setting boundaries and no longer willing to be part of the craziness he will get worse. It is dangerous to make any changes in your dynamic with an abuser. It throws them off balance and makes them more violent and controlling. I would only change things if you have an exit strategy in place. Please have a “go” bag with clothes for yourself and anyone you are responsible for and an emergency fund so you can get to safety.
