I Miss the Safety and Protection of Being Married

Even my abusive marriage allowed me to be home with my children

Photo by Job Moses on Unsplash

Oh, snap! I just broke my car

I take off to the store. I’m almost there when a warning light comes on telling me my car is overheating. I am almost at the parking lot when the car stops working. Now I’m stranded in the street. No one stops to help and I sit there with the hazard lights on wondering what to do next. A few minutes later I try starting my car again and I’m able to make it to a parking spot. Now, what???

I’m not good with cars and mechanical things so I don’t know what to do besides checking the radiator fluid. The coolant tank is shockingly low. How did that even happen? My vehicle is under five years old and I take it for regular oil changes and fluid checks. This day I am in luck because my adult son is nearby. He comes over and helps me assess the situation. Turns out buying that extended warranty was a good decision and the dealership will repair my vehicle.

I wonder if I had been married still would my husband have caught what was going on before my car was too damaged to drive? These are the days I miss being married and having someone with a different skillset available to balance me out and keep life rolling along.

Regret

When I’m at the store I watch young moms with their little ones and wish I was still a stay-at-home momma. I wish I was able to care for my children instead of sending them away to school so I can earn enough money to keep them housed and fed. I regret all the times I complained about being home with the kids.

Shelter from the storms of life

When the weather is crazy and I wonder if we need to seek shelter I wish I had someone who would make that call for me. It is tough to take the role of protector and be responsible for the safety of my home.

I have stopped thinking about what I would do if someone breaks into our home while we sleep. I trust that one of our neighbors will hear something amiss and call for help. I pray the police will make it in time.

Fatherless sons

I have boys who no longer live with the daily influence of a man in the home. I have to learn to be a mother and a father. Their dad is too far away and unwilling to help with discipline issues or be a good influence. I wonder how they will turn out. Will they overcompensate for their loss and become unhealthy men?

I feel the loss of community. If my husband had died and we lived in a different era I think the men in town would step in and make sure my children had positive male role models. I think my children and I would receive more support than we do and I wouldn’t be as lonely as I sometimes am.

Gratitude

I am grateful for how well I am doing and I know I am blessed compared to many. I just miss having the element of safety and protection that comes with being in a relationship. Even my unhealthy relationship allowed me to be a stay-at-home mom and kept the children and me protected from the outside world. Our only concern was the man we lived with.

I bounce back at each setback. I become stronger as time goes on. I think someday I’ll be too strong and independent to ever be married again. I don’t know what men are looking for in a wife. I am not a man.

Somehow I have to balance being a woman who can take care of her family with being a woman who will allow a man to take care of her. If it ever comes to that.

This piece is making me sad. I’m not sad. I find joy in my daily life. My faith keeps me going and gives me the strength to carry on. Even on the difficult days, I have what I need when I need it just as my son was able to help me when I broke my car.

Keep going mama!

Life goes on. Big hugs to all of you single moms out there doing all of it by yourselves. You got this! We got this!