How to Make and Use an Abuse List to Stay Free From the Narcissist
A simple tool to help you heal and live free
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What is an abuse list? It’s a list of all the abusive things someone has done to you that you use to stay low or no contact with them. Sounds simple, right? Let’s dig into this topic to see how important it can be for your healing journey.
My story
When I was working out my toxic relationship with my mother I read the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D. She suggested readers write a list of all the abusive things their mothers had done so that when they were tempted to go back to an inappropriate level of communication they could read it and save themselves from making a huge mistake.
After I left my narcissist husband and started to come out of denial about our relationship I started writing down all the things he had done to me. Remembering what he did kept me from falling for the emotional tricks my mind was playing on me. I couldn’t read that list and go back without knowing it was wrong for me and my children. Good friends also reminded me of what he had done. It’s amazing how your mind seems to forget some of the worst things someone has done to you when you are lonely and vulnerable.
Why should you write an abuse list?
It reminds you of the truth when you are tempted to think your relationship wasn’t “that bad”. It helps you stay strong when people who don’t understand what is happening tell you to go back or that the abuser really loves you. It helps you withstand the pressure from yourself, the abuser, and flying monkeys to go back.
As you write the list you will begin to uncover the red flags you ignored during the relationship. It helps you learn what to watch for in your next relationship and even in relationships with your current friends and family.
It teaches you about yourself and what you will tolerate from others. When you go back to the beginning of the relationship and write down those early abuses, unkind comments, and other tricks the abuser used to push your boundaries you will wonder why you allowed it. This will help you learn to set boundaries, rethink what love really is, and learn how to work on your healing.
Writing about the abuse brings the dark to the light and helps to set you free from the past. When you read what you wrote in the future it will strengthen your resolve to stay free. It will help you to see how much you have changed as you heal. It’s important to remember your lowest points to keep you motivated to change.
The abuse list uncovers the cycle of abuse and the specific way the abuser you know abuses people. This will be especially helpful if you have to co-parent with this person. You will start to see how the abuser still uses the cycle even when you are in low contact. You can use this knowledge to help you care for your children better by getting the abuser to agree to what they need. You will know when the abuser is in angry mode and can avoid communication at that time.
As you heal and learn how the cycle of abuse works in your coparenting relationship you will also grow freer. You will be able to see the patterns which help you avoid being narcissistic supply when the abuser is looking for drama. You will recognize the attempts to use your children to abuse you and will be able to avoid giving a reaction. The more you are able to do this the sooner the abuser will give up. This gives you back control of your life, emotions, and well-being.
The abuse list becomes your checklist for what you won’t tolerate from others. As you heal you will notice that you attract healthier people into your life. That is when you know you are on the right track. Some day you will realize how different your life is and how normal people never even attempt to treat you the way the abuser did. It will become so abnormal to be treated without kindness and respect that you will notice it instantly and keep yourself away from that person or situation.
When you are tempted to believe the abuser has changed a quick review of the abuse list will show you that a closer relationship or friendship will never be appropriate and will keep you from being drawn back in. They have chosen their life path. You are free and it is no longer your responsibility to help them.
How to write your abuse list
Write down anything the abuser did to hurt you physically, emotionally, or mentally.
It may be difficult at first. Write in short sessions and give yourself time for self-care or a chat with a trusted friend afterward to help you recover.
Once you have all the major incidents down start thinking about anything that made you feel uncomfortable for some reason. Also, write down any time you were treated unkindly even if it was in reaction to something you may have done. This will help you begin to see the cycle of abuse and how victims react to it. This will help to set you free from manipulation.
While you’re working on this list you will notice minor incidents will come up from memory as you are going through your day. Add them to the list. Some of those seemingly incident situations are red flags that will show you how your boundaries were run over and how you were tested for a reaction.
It may take you months or years to write everything down. Eventually, you won’t need to write every new memory down. You will look it over in your mind and realize how the abuser was testing or controlling you.
I am years out and new things still pop up occasionally. The interesting thing is now I can see that what I thought were loving moments or gestures were actually ways he controlled me. It helps me realize he didn’t love me which sets my heart free to love someone else. Thinking anything he did was love makes me want to avoid ever being loved again. Seeing how his “love” was really abuse and control is tough to take but also teaches me what true love is and that it doesn’t hurt.
The future
It takes your mind years to heal from narcissistic abuse. The narcissist has warped your mind and shaped it into what they wanted. Your abuse list and awareness of the abuser's tricks will help you reclaim your mind. The abuse goes deeper than you can imagine when you first set yourself free. Do not be discouraged. The healing goes in layers. The more you learn the more you heal.
You will reach plateaus when you think you have healed as much as you need to or can and then more knowledge will come to you. It’s as if you are exploring a dark cave. You light up what you think is the last space only to realize there is another passage ahead when you begin to look around. Keep bringing the light to each new space. You will see the earth cave in behind you to let in the sunlight and fresh air and realize you were still in the dark. It is an amazing process and full of surprise and wonder. You are becoming someone you have never been. Your healing helps others reach for the light.
Cotinue your amazing healing journey. You are brave. You are a warrior.
