Don’t Expect Sanity From the Narcissist

It’s not gonna happen

Photo by Alin Meceanu on Unsplash

You know that saying that goes something like, “Doing the same thing but expecting a different result is the definition of insanity”? Well, that applies to the difficult person you are trying to communicate with.

If you keep expecting the toxic person to communicate rationally, you are now in a cyclone of insanity. The only way out of the storm is to stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result. It’s not gonna happen. Better to just cut your losses and move on.

Before you is the choice of trying to communicate in a way that doesn’t drive you crazy or dropping the relationship. It’s a difficult decision and sometimes you don’t even get a choice as is the case when the toxic person is your parent or parent of your children.

What to do? I spent months and months learning about narcissists and how to communicate with them. I think your greatest assets are time and strong mental and emotional health. The best thing I have been able to do is to use that classic Al-Anon principle to detach emotionally.

Sometimes the person starts to wind me up and I realize I got pulled in again. It is easiest to look at communication as a science experiment. Mostly, you observe but sometimes you respond. You have to try your hardest to only respond when you are completely calm. Waiting at least a day or two to answer that text or email is the best strategy.

Blow off some steam by sharing the craziness with a friend or your journal. Eventually, you will be able to just chuckle to yourself about the craziness and move on. When you can forget about this person most of the time and open your email or text without any dread you know you have reached a new height of mastery.

Cool, calm, and collected. Grace and dignity. You deserve to remain in that state when dealing with the difficult person. The calmer you are the more the other person loses. They just want to see you lose your mind and if you never do maybe they’ll move along to bother someone more exciting.

The better I get at staying true to myself when communicating the better I become as a person. I am calmer in any circumstance. I am a more patient and loving mother. My emotions do not steer me as often as they once did. I laugh more, cry happy tears, and have more love to give to others. I feel free and have more energy to focus on my dreams and make the life I want.



Julia Freeman, Trauma Recovery Coach in training

I believe survivors of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence deserve to live in freedom and peace.