A Very Rambly Monday Morning Chat
I wish you a successful week
I am trying to remember what my healing journey was like when I started. When was the starting point? I think I began healing before I ever left my ex-husband. I began to learn about and use boundaries to keep myself and my children safe. I began to get help from Al-Anon which started to open my eyes to how much was wrong with my life. My idea of healing looked much different than what actually happened and is still happening.
I thought my marriage and family would heal and I would continue to be married. At the worst, I thought we would divorce and then remarry. Sometimes I hope that he won’t get help because I don’t want to be in a relationship with him ever again. If he did get help I would be tempted to be with him again because it makes sense with our shared history and the children we have together.
I looked at family photos today and felt a little sad that all those fun times are now just memories. I look at him in the photographs and wonder what was going on with us at the time. Was he really what he is now underneath what I can see in the snapshots? When did he start going down the horrible path he is now on? Maybe if he gets help he will go back to a time and place mentally when he was an okay husband. Maybe he will become tolerable again.
I can tell from my thoughts that I haven’t totally let go of my marriage and the dreams I held for my future. I still have hope that things could be restored even though almost every part of me says, no, I will never be with him again.
I wish I could have my brain rewired so I could completely move on right now. I know my thoughts are holding me back from living the life I am meant to live. I am unsettled by a tough week and unusual circumstances.
I don’t want to turn back the clock and try to make a different outcome come forth from the mess. I don’t want to be with him again. I know too much about him and what he has done to ever respect him as a man again.
I don’t want to go back to being who I was when I was married to him. I don’t think he would accept me for who I am now. He would want to crush me and control me and I can’t let that happen again. I want to be strong and to stand up for others and for what is right.
Somedays, I wonder what I know and if it can actually help others. Would I give someone the wrong advice? Would I make their life worse for them? Who am I to say what you should do to live a better life?
I think I am just in a funk. Too much inactivity this last week has left me feeling down. I want to get back into my usual routine and see where that takes my thoughts.
I am at a crossroads and begin to doubt what I should do. I have to decide to make a solid go at my own business or get a full-time job. My side-hustle is no longer providing enough income as it did in the past. I am tired of being short of earnings each week.
Life is a constant balancing act. If it was simple and easy it would be boring. It could be a little more boring and I wouldn’t mind. ;-)
How is your week looking?
I think it’s time for me to update my mindset again.